My precious girls

I cannot write about my two wonderful precious girls, who I love and think about each and every day, without deep pain in my heart.  You see, we are a bit estranged right now.  We have been for about a year and a half.

As you may have read in my blog 'Family' can hurt like Hell, and sooo complicated!, I have not had the best modeling for being a parent.  But I tried!  But as my girls got older, I did not adjust well with their growth.  I did not keep pace with their growing needs for independence and freedom.  And I approached them much as I had years earlier.

And I also, when things didn't go well, took it all very personally.  So I allowed myself to carry my 'hurt' as anger.  I yelled, and I sometimes was a bit of a tyrant.  God, as I think back on those precious times I was with them over the last decade (custody issues, every other weekend), I remember the good stuff so much better than the bad.  I remember how much I looked forward to seeing them every chance I got!  I don't remember the bad times too much; I don't remember dragging them through a pretty dysfunctional relationship I was in with someone who resented them in my life.  But I do remember the joy of freedom we all felt when I broke free of that dysfunctional relationship and we relearned to enjoy our time together again.

But, damn it, my personal growth as a father and an individual was NOT keeping pace with their growth into beautiful young women.  I just wasn't growing fast enough!  And a moment came where I reacted very poorly on the phone to bad news from one of them; and they saw me as more hassle than I guess I was worth.

I email them, sometimes they email back.  I keep trying, and I will until I die.  I love them so so so much and miss them so bad!  Every time I encounter anything that reminds me of them (and that happens often), I feel the pain all over again and as fresh as the morning flowers.  It hurts like Hell!

Amanda

My oldest, Amanda, is such a smart, fun, bright girl.  She is 18 now, kind of on her own, in college, working so hard.  She is clever and resourceful and humble and quiet (most of the time).  We love a number of TV shows that we would watch together.  She was in her school's marching band in the production of 'Phantom Of The Opera' with her sister.  This was a group of kids that worked together so well with such precision and beauty!  They won the State Championship, the highest honor they could win in Arizona!  She is musically talented, loves to read, there is just no one in the world just like her.  I miss her so much!

Rebecca

My youngest, Rebecca, is also smart and fun and bright!  But in different ways.  She is so socially gifted!  She can make any room fun, just by being herself in it!  She was in flags in her school's marching band, doing the same production of 'Phantom Of The Opera' with her sister; and it was the most amazing example of artistic beauty I believe I have ever seen!  I was so proud of her!  I have saved one of her calls to me telling me how she did after a presentation. She was so excited; I am so proud!  She was amazing in that.

State Champions!

I keep looking for ideas in how I can get closer to each of them.  I keep trying.  And my heart keeps bleeding.  I will never give up; I will never stop loving them and trying to ignite the kind of relationship with each of them that is healthy and good for all.


Amanda, Rebecca, I love you!